More Than This

An experiment in un-containment and that empty place inside that comes from settling all the time

“We're living in what I call the "performance economy", where showing the work has become more valuable than doing the actual work.”--Justin Welch

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Should we be the same person in both our personal and business lives?

No you say? What’s different I ask?

Can you be who you really are?

All the time?

This is a continuation of the rewilding series which explores how to stay real with ourselves and others, both in our online and offline lives. I’ve removed the paywall for the first few rewilding posts here so you can catch up for the next week or until I throw up the paywall again.

I’ve also built a very mini and free(ing) set of questions for you to help unearth old memories and wishes you had for your life when you were younger, to help rekindle some joy and better define your true self. Non-writers welcome, so check out this week’s prompt at the end of this newsletter.

Let’s dive into today’s topic✨

The Social Experiment

When I got the job at the big-time LA advertising agency assisting producers making Barbie commercials, I had to quickly shift from my previous bartending personality into the persona of a professional. This primarily meant new clothes and not sharing stories about drunk people.

A decade later after our second child was born and working for myself wasn’t quite making ends meet after a housing upgrade, I took a job at a big-time Landscape Architecture firm where I’d meet my in-laws in the parking lot each morning to hand off the baby for the day and would transform mentally and physically into The Professional Designer. This also meant new clothes to prove I was talented and smart in a sea of male-dominated colleagues.

Each time I felt as though I was disguising my true self, dressing to be something other than. When a friend saw me one morning in fancy duds she exclaimed “it’s so nice to see you dressed up and looking professional” which I took to mean I looked slovenly the rest of the time, and eyed her with suspicion. Alas, we are still friends and worked through this crisis she knows nothing about.

Lately I’ve had some encounters with disingenuous people which has exhumed these old memories. Work in real estate is particularly prone to exposing the no-filter underbelly of people’s raw nature during times of high emotion and stress, so some of that just comes with the territory. After the pandemic lockdown someone said to me that the mean people got meaner and the nice people got nicer. This fact still remains: there will always be people that treat others like a mere tool to execute their needs and nothing more. Politics, pandemics or a job climbing the corporate ladder have nothing to do with it.

I work hard to avoid those people. Really hard.

Every now and then they manage to creep up through the floorboards and disrupt my equilibrium, despite my best efforts. But recently I’ve learned there could actually be a silver lining to how this works in my favor and maybe yours, as well as how it relates to our past lives, so I thought I’d share.

There you are just living your life, thinking that’s how it’s done. But then there’s a pause, or an event, or a loss and you look back on how things have been so far and you realize that your life is a one and only, unlike any other life you’ve ever heard of.

What has caused this pause doesn’t really matter. The important thing is your perspective has changed, you now see the same olds differently and can’t go back to the way it was. Someone you trusted has crossed you, something you assumed was, well normal, isn’t. Someone has moved or died or been dishonest. There’s hurt, there’s confusion. The path you were on somehow doesn’t feel right for you anymore.

So what to do?

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Be Like Stonehenge

Recently when challenged with a true test of patience, loyalty or an affront to my ethics, to my surprise and delight I’ve gotten pretty good at responding as solidly as Stonehenge sits on the land standing the battering of weather and time. I answer the assaults, tiny and large, in defense of my values, because if you don’t have something that grounds you and defines you, WTH is the point of all this? I may be late to the game with this maturity thing, but let’s move along and see where it takes us.

Me, an outlier even at Stonehenge.

Sometimes this stance makes me unpopular.

What might this look like in action? The affront can be minor or massive, it can come in the form of words, actions or even a failure to act in good faith, but each time I have reminded myself that I am honest, I am kind and I always choose the path that doesn’t cave to greed or bullying forces at the expense of my sanity. I rise with reinforcement of my core values and enforcement of boundaries, which includes the right not to share what those are to the undeserving. It's not always pretty, but isn’t that how it goes with things worth fighting for? I’ve finally FINALLY learned I can always rely on myself no matter how tough things get. There’s tremendous power in living that way.

These moments aren’t meant for Instagram and require no makeup or special clothing.

Everywhere you go, there you are.

Until next week,

Learn wildly. Connect madly (and find your people).

→ Let’s get to the experiment.

Question 1️⃣: What is a character trait, a way you interact with someone you don't know very well that no longer fits your current version of self?

• Describe an interaction that left you questioning why you behave in a specific way that no longer suits you.

📝 Tip: Don’t be afraid to try and fail at this, this is a free-flow writing exercise, so just start writing. I recommend using 750words.com, Evernote, the note taking app on your phone or Google Docs so you can easily refer back to your thoughts and build on them throughout then next few weeks.

Feel free to share your thoughts over on Notes if you’d like to start a conversation.

You can refer back to the first part of the rewilding series for the next week or so (paywall removed) below ⬇️⬇️

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The collection on leaving Social Media while still running a business Parts 1-4:

#1 Confessions of a Soft-Hearted Online Course Promoter: Don’t you want me, baby?

#2 This Relationship Feels Bad: Why so much social advice feels like a gross sell out

#3 I Bought a Course to Teach Me How to Stop Buying Courses: I signed up for all of these #$!&* so I need to own that

#4 Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Unraveling my social media habits and addiction to course-buying